The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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