once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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