I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
