When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize