I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
