It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
