I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
