he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
