Plan B is the new Plan A
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
