I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
