Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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