She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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