Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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