Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
