look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Shame - the story of my life.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
