We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
