Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
