I look better un-naked...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
