i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
