running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
