did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
