I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
