How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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