I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
