4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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