Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
