My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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