life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
