If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
