wakey wakey hands off snakey
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
