I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
