I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You have to summon your inner elephant
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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