Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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