Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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