You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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