As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
