you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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