I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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