I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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