You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
