Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
