I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dear god my vagina.
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