i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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