Joe is yelling at the trees again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
