i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
