You can't special order awesome
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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