I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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