i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
