Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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