Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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