I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
