i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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